This morning when the alarm went off, the energetic vocals of Ke$ha encouraging me to "wake up in the morning feel like P.Diddy", were meet with a less than eager state of Sam, not much giddy, in my up. It wasn't that I didn't want to get up and go, embrace the, gone too long, structure I love to have to my days. It wasn't that I had gone to bed late, or there were tasks ahead of me, I wanted to avoid. It was that on day two, the alarm sounding, was accompanied with the stomach churning, school dread.
Tuesday, being our 'last day of vacation' day, I couldn't have planned it to have gone any more smoothly, perfectly, happily as it did. All day I mental noted, the high points, which ended up turning into a whole day worth of wonderful. I don't know how many times I thought, "remember this, Sam. This is the kind of day we have been working toward all summer. Here it is….. remember.this." That next morning, the first day of school morning, we woke with the excited energy that can only be brought on by a day of new's, new teacher, new class, new schedule, new grade, new year. A day that marked the start of all things possible. As soon as the bus pulled away with my baby boy, it hit me, hard. My stomach lurched, my heart sank, and my eyes watered. I cried and hugged baby girl hard, watching that bus leave, knowing that too soon, she will be repeating this same morning. It was one of those times that instantly brings me back to 'now' and that day, I was present in play, and aware of my missing one.
As soon as that bus stopped and Wesley jumped off, again, I was hit, hard once more. The way Wesley's ora had changed, the way he walked passed his brother and sister who were so anxious for him to come home, how he ignored the, "Bubby, we missed you!'s that called after him from little voices, the way he strut toward to house, and dismissed our 'welcome home from your first day!', with a flat, "I'm gonna get a snack", I knew, all that we had worked toward countering from school this summer, was gone in the one day he was back.
Just typing this now, I feel like my heart is hollow and my chest tight. Yesterday, I felt like I was unexpectedly bucked from the saddle and thrown to the ground. I was never under any illusion, that certain behaviors were going to be completely forgotten, I never thought that we had finally made it to easy street, and the ride was forever smooth, with minimal hurdles to jump. I was ready to face this year's issues head on, but expected to gradually work back into all that school brought with it.
I felt as if, I spent all summer, being the strict, nagging Mother, who gave little leeway in areas that had previously caused problems, with consistent, never wavering follow through. Tuesday, was so great, I felt like we finally got the reward of me sticking to my guns, we enjoyed a whole day, in a way, we worked toward all summer. In one day, it felt like it was all for not…
Last night, I cried on a friend's shoulder about it.
It's not something that happens often and nothing to brag about when it does, but in the events when it does happen, I'm always so thankful for the friends that I have, when I do. The kind who hear out my complaints through stuttered breaths, validate my overwhelming frustrations, make a joke at someone else's expense, tell me I'm pretty, and then give it to me straight. Words of encouragement wrapped with the bite of reality.
Whether I'm tired of being the bitch Mom or not, I know the path I want my parenting to take, and it's time to keep on keepin'.
At the sound of the bus pulling up outside, I just caught myself drawing in a deep breath. My frustration have been aired and the time has come to hoist myself back in the parental saddle again, steady as we go...
Keepin' on, keepin'.